In honor of David Letterman, I’ve written this handy list of tips that I’m sure you’ll all use regularly.

Top 10 things to remember at the nude beach:

10:  Sit on a lounge chair, not the sand.  (You think sand in a bathing suit is uncomfortable?  Where do you think it goes if you skip the suit?)

9:  Go about your business—sprawling yourself seductively right where the voyeurs are walking by just looks like advertising.  And in the broad, harsh light of day, trust me—you have nothing worth advertising.

8:  If one member of your party is naked, the rest should not be fully clothed.  If the solo naked person is your father-in-law, you need to just give up and go home.  Then straight into therapy.

7:  If you are having a picnic, eat things that do not require a knife and fork.  Holding a paper plate in your naked lap and struggling to cut a piece of fried chicken is a recipe for true disaster.  And medical care is not always what one might hope down here in the islands.

6:  Do not ever wear a Santa hat when you’re in your birthday suit.  It looks ridiculous under the best of circumstances, but if it’s warm enough for nudity, it’s too warm for red and white fur.

5:  If you choose to surgically enhance one (or even two) parts of your body, you should give serious thought as to whether or not the rest of your body needs to be visible.  Fresh, perfect parts look a bit strange when their surroundings are still in original form.

4:   Sunscreen.  I think this one is self-explanatory.

3:  Yoga is only for the clothed.  Let me repeat—yoga is ONLY for the fully dressed.

2:  Wrinkles are probably best left covered.  If this applies to your whole body, so be it.

1:  If you’re planning to go to a nude beach because you think there’s something sexy about it, think again!