Ten Guaranteed Ways to Avoid Holiday Weight Gain

In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the winter holiday party season.  Which means, among other things, the season of trying-not-to-expand-the-butt-or-clog-up-the-arteries.  If you are in the habit of paying attention to such things, you’ll know that every lifestyle magazine and health-focused blog out there has a list of tips for keeping the dietary indiscretions to a minimum.

But if you’re a person who needs those tips, you also probably know that it’s a lot easier to memorize all those helpful lists than it is to actually implement them.

Here, then, are my slightly unorthodox tips for surviving holiday parties without destroying your waistline (or your heart).

1–Wear clothes that are a bit too tight in the waist.  That way you have to choose between stuffing yourself and being able to breathe.  Breathing usually wins.

2–Use a Sharpie to write a note on the back of your hand.  It should say something like “Lard-Ass” or “Fatso” so that when you see it, there’s no ambiguity about what the note is for.  Added bonus:  if other people see it, they’re likely to comment on it, further reminding you to back away from the cheeseball.

3–Enlist a child to follow you around poking you in the belly or making snorting noises every time you refill your plate. If you have your own children, they’ll be all too happy to help; otherwise, I’m sure you could hire one for the evening.

4–Schedule serious dental work the morning of a party.  Your mouth will be too sore to chew.

5–Go ahead and do your end-of-year bookkeeping now.  That may be enough to ruin your appetite for days. (Caveat:  this one is tricky; for some people, the bottom line may be an incentive to drink to oblivion, which defeats our purpose.)

6–Make it your mission to talk to every single person at the party.  If necessary, have a big cup of caffeinated coffee beforehand; that way you’ll be slightly wired and extra-conversational.  If it’s a good party, you’ll be too busy to eat.  Bonus calories burned if you’re caffeinated enough to be fidgety.

7–Wear mittens (not gloves) at all times, preferably made of angora or mohair.  This will make it difficult to serve yourself food and handle a plate.  It will also make finger-food slightly fuzzy and therefore unappetizing.

8–Watch Supersize Me right before you go to the party.  Or any documentary about slaughtering or the production of canned soup.

9–Appoint yourself official party videographer, and keep it rolling the whole time.  Not only will you be unable to hold a plate the entire evening, but maybe you’ll get something good enough to go viral on Youtube.  If you’re lucky.

10–Chaperone a preschool field trip.  You’re very likely to contract a mild stomach bug, which I’ve found is an excellent way to jump start a diet.  I expect it would work just as well to forestall holiday weight gain.