These are the gifts Delaney gave to her teachers last week. Inside each bag is a jar of jam, made by me back in the summer. I realize this is a crappy photo–I wanted to give you a sense of the gift-giving experience around here. When I snapped that picture, it was still dark outside. Yes, I was up, packing jars into cute little bags before daylight. The sink was full of dishes from dinner the night before. I hadn’t made school lunches yet, or had my own breakfast. If you look really closely, you’ll see that there’s a bottle of vodka on the counter–it’s actually irrelevant. It just lives there, because I can’t fit it into the liquor cabinet. Welcome to my world. Does it look at all familiar?
The next day, while we were in the grocery store, Delaney told me about a conversation she’d had with the mother of one of her friends, in which the mother was wondering if I liked XYZ, because she might give me some for Christmas. WHAT??? I barely know this woman! We talk, occasionally, about the logistics of kid-transfer-duty, but that’s it. We’ve never, ever done anything social together, or even had a spontaneous conversation that wasn’t prompted by the need to exchange information about our kids’ plans. I DON’T WANT A CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM THIS PERSON!
When Delaney mentioned this unwelcome potential gift, I kind of flipped out for a minute in the pasta aisle. My immediate, kneejerk reaction was panic–do I have to give her something? THAT ISN’T IN THE PLAN! Following immediately on the heels of the panic was cynicism–why would she give me a Christmas gift? What’s that about? WHAT DOES SHE WANT??
I calmed myself. I have a cabinet full of jam. I am prepared for these emergencies. Which is point number one of this post: be prepared. These gift-giving crises happen every year, to all of us. This is why I make jam, way ahead of time in the summer–so that I can whip out a thoughtful, appreciated, homemade, delicious gift on a moment’s notice.
Before I started making jam, it was small boxes of cookies and brownies. Before that it was miniature loaves of pumpkin cranberry bread, made in quantity and stashed in the freezer. Before the bread, it was small fruitcakes that I made around Halloween and doused with bourbon every week (you’d think they’d be particularly appreciated, but I never got the feeling they were; odd, because I love fruitcake). If I were truly organized and on the ball, I’d knit a pile of scarves, or hats, or dishcloths, and have them ready to hand out. I give food, because that’s what works for me, but I realize everyone’s different. This year my brother made homemade vanilla, which he has packaged up in beautiful little bottles with a personalized label (yes, we’re related). I’ve known parents who kept a stash of Target giftcards on hand to use as birthday party gifts–same concept. My point is that it takes a lot of stress out of the holidays if you can think of some small, personal (preferably inexpensive) gift that you can have ready well in advance, in quantity, to give out when you’re on the spot.
But my second point is this: how did we get here? How did we reach the point where we all feel obliged to give unwanted, unnecessary stuff to everyone we know? And worse, how did I reach the point where my automatic response to such a gift is panic and frustration, instead of gratitude? That’s just sad.
I don’t know. I hate that gift-giving has turned into such a complicated, messy thing. Maybe it’s just me–maybe nobody else feels the pang of ohmygosh, am I supposed to give my hairdresser a gift? She has a pile of pretty packages right there, by the mirror, but I don’t really know her, other than our light little chats once a month when she has her hands in my hair. I have no idea what she reads, or what music she loves, or where she goes on date night. I don’t even know if she really likes jam. But I give her a jar anyway, if I happen to get my hair cut right before the holidays, because it seems to be the thing to do.
Really, I just want to hide under the bed until January.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Do you think there is room for two under your bed?
Absolutely! Come on over! (but don’t bring any gifts–we’ll just eat marshmallows & sing happy songs)
I used to do this but I don’t anymore.
I’m the woman who is perfectly happy (now, and it took a loooong time) to NOT give gifts. At birthdays, at Christmas (except to our children, and this is our last year for that — I’ll try to do a blog post soon about it), you name it.
At first our extended family was wacked out about it, but over the years they adjusted. They still send the boys (and us, once in a while) a gift in the mail, but for the most part, we were the ones to break the cycle and I think most of our family is ok with it. We’re certainly a lot more serene than we used to be.
What we do pretty well is gather. We like parties, and throw them without too much fuss, and we invite friends out and eat and drink and celebrate. It’s nice!
If someone gives me a gift I am quite thankful, particularly if it’s a handwritten letter, a child’s drawing, a necklace made of macaroni, a jar of jam (Hello, Little Sister!). But I don’t worry about giving something back; I mostly just say how much I enjoy it, and lavish on the hugs and smiles.
Thanks for another great post, Lisa!
I here you. I grew up always giving heartfelt gifts, to those I care about. I was raised though that giving in its self is your gift not to expect a gift in return.
How could I possibly have fallen so far from the tree? Chip makes homemade vanilla??
I do actually have a stash I give. I buy pretty little holiday dish towels and use that as my gift wrap. I put soaps or lotions, hot chocolate, wine or anything I am giving in them and tie it with a pretty ribbon. And in a pinch, I just roll the dish towel up and tie a bow around it.
You too could buy pretty little dish towels and wrap up your jam to give. It’s very green! : )
Oh, my darling sister–
I could just KNIT little dish towels for wrapping up my jam. I keep meaning to . . .
Anyone who likes fruitcake is someone I want to know better. Ever had Collin Street Bakery’s version, from Corsicana TX?
Oh, hi Helen! Welcome to the blog!
No, I haven’t had the Collin St. Bakery fruitcake, but now I’ll be on the lookout for it. Thanks for the heads-up . . .
Thanks for reading!