Vacation Irregularities

Okay, folks, we’re going to get to some real truths today.

Do you poop on vacation?

I’m just curious.  It’s an issue for me.  I don’t like having issues.  Lee and I spend endless vacation hours discussing, um, poop (welcome to 20 years of marriage).

“Did you poop today?”
“Not yet.  But I’m thinking about it.  You?”
“No.  I think I did yesterday, though.  Probably won’t happen at all today.”
“Maybe we should have another cup of tea.”
“What I need is more fiber.”
“Well.  I need to poop.”

I’m a creature of habit.  Disrupt the morning routine, and you throw off the whole system.  That’s why I’ll never (willingly) be an early-morning runner–I’d have to get up insanely early in order to go through all the pre-poop rituals.  Because if it doesn’t happen when it’s supposed to, it’s probably not going to happen at all, and that’s going to make me cranky.

When I was pregnant, my OB asked once if I was having any trouble with constipation.  I started whining about it, and Lee interrupted to point out that my idea of constipation was not pooping before noon.  The doctor just laughed; apparently she was thinking more along the lines of not pooping for an entire week.

Um, if I ever don’t poop for a week, I’m going to assume I’m dying.

Vacation, though–it certainly does complicate things.  Inadequate fiber, early morning flights, restaurant breakfasts, rushing to beat the crowds to the next tourist hotspot, hotel-room coffee makers, lack of exercise, yesterday’s dehydration:  all add up to  . . . irregularity.

Yeah, I know all the usual recommendations for maintaining digestive regularity, and at home, we’re all champion poopers (the perpetually clogged toilets are a testament, I think).  When I’m out of town, I search out fiber (cereal, beans–on our cruise, I tracked down stewed prunes for breakfast every morning).  I take my own tea bags with me, just to be sure I’ll be able to have as much as I want.  I drink plenty of water.  I exercise.

But it’s the ineffable, irreplaceable ordinariness of routine that’s missing, and upon which gastro-intestinal health apparently depends.

Well, poop.

Yes, these are the things Lee and I talk about when left to our own devices.

PS–Be glad I didn’t take a photo for this post.

PPS–I want it to be known, for the record, that this post was Lee’s idea.